Precis - Part one
I was born, in 1982 with Spina bifida and hydrocephalus, also deaf, but they didn't figure that part out til I was 5. My parents were advised to abort me when it was detected, as it was felt I was likely to die in childhood, if not at birth and would require a lot of care. My parents didn't and I was born. I survived and thrived despite numerous prediction. I was actually not classified as a walking and capable being til I was an adult. I had to go see a doctor every year til I was an adult, and they would conduct numerous tests. Like I say, it was also found out I was deaf when I was 5 as well, I have what is known as neural sensory hearing loss. (mouthful eh?) basically, the problem is a part of my brain that receives the signal, rather than my ears. I'm talking about all this, because it a big part of how my depression began to form.
Then came school, primary was mostly ok, but a couple of patterns came out of it. One, because of my disabilities, I didn't mix well with games like football and that. As a result, with boys I was mostly an outsider. So I spent quite a bit of time alone. This is where part of my independence and that started to form I think. I was a happy child tho. I was quite happy to play by myself or to read (I really, really, really love to read, even to this day.) However, one day, a girl called Tina started to play with me. tag around the shed. It is one of my most earliest happiest school memories. I was in junior then. The other girls started to accept me to play with them, and they taught me how to play netball and I was even allowed to join in the practice after school occasionally. As a result, I feel more comfortable with female people then I ever do with male people, with a very few exceptions. Even to this day.
Secondary school was a shock to me. It was wildly different from my primary school life. wildly different. I went to two secondary schools, as I had to change from one to another and move down a year. At the first secondary school, I made two best friends from that time. One I still live near, and see to this day. He and his family has have an impact on my life to the extent that they are family to me. The second guy, was a very important part of my life for a decade. He is not now, we drifted apart. like you do. He taught me many, many things. He caused some of my depression. but paradoxically, he also saved me from it at the time, and taught me very important lessons on life, some that I only realised in the last few years.
My depression started at the first secondary school. It was very mild, there was a lot going on in my family life at the time, I didn't fit in at school, the pattern of being shunned by the boys for the most part continued and well, with puberty beginning to rear it head, most of the girls did, as I knew very few people who were from my area at this school. but that mate for a decade, well, he was a lifeline at the time. I mentioned earlier, that I liked to read, I started to read more. and kept to myself. On the outside I seemed a happy enough person. I was for the most part. But there were times and days and weeks, when I hated my self and the world. yet, like I say, I had a family who loved me very much, and those two friends and my family, kept it all at bay. When I went to the second secondary school, I felt completely isolated there. As it contained a deaf support unit, it was the main reason I was sent there. I was friendly enough with people there, but apart from a foreign student who came from overseas, that had been sent there, because he was in danger where his had originally came from. I became very good friends with him, til he left to go back to his old country. I sometimes think about him to this day, and hope he is still alive. But I mostly felt isolated there and reading and music became two very important things to me, and still are to this day.
Listen to this song.Everybody free to wear sunscreen It done by a guy called Baz Luhrmann who in turn took it from a speech. It came out the year I left school, (1999) at the time, things had improved, and although I was still slightly unhappy inside, a new move, new changes, a job, it seemed things were on the up. I was happy for many years with just the occasional struggle. Then I hurt my knee. badly. What followed was a year of mixed feelings. Here the thing I found about depression during this time. You don't feel it all to the exclusion of all else. Rather, it colours the world and how you see it and feel about it. It can be overbearing, or it can be subtle. that year, it was subtle.
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