Recent Past

Recent Past

So. While I was at my previous job, the depression started coming back. At the time, this wasn't to do with my job. In fact, my job was going well. The problem was, I was becoming frustrated with my personal life. It seemed any time I started to make progress with that, I kept making one step forward, two step back. I became to become very discouraged about this. As a result, I withdrew on myself. 

  Now here something you have to understand. I am a bit of a paradox. I can seem to be a social person. In reality I am quite a introvert. However, my extended family as a whole, are a bunch of extroverts among themselves, even if they are not with other people. As a result, I have learnt how to deal with this. My family know that I am a quiet and private person and I have pretty much learned how to deal with them, and reassure them that I am fine, that I am for the most part fine with little contact other then family dos and meet up. (My family have always done a lot of those.) As a result, they pretty much leave me alone, and trust that I will contact them as and when. Which I do, and when it comes to the family do, the questions come out. It joked among the cousins in my family that the final test of the bf/gf is the family gathering, that if they go through that, and don't get arsey about it, they are a keeper. We are a typical British family. We love to take the piss out of each other, particularly at family dos. So we tease the newcomers and if they can take it, they are good. If they can give it back, we love them.

  So when I withdrew on myself, family and friends just assumed it was my introverted nature asserting itself. which it was to a certain extent. But I was also beginning to have problems with depression, and I was damn unwilling to admit this. I thought, 'well I felt like this before, and I can beat it.'

  However, life was dealing full on body shots. People I knew and loved were dying. I have attended over the course of about the last decade quite a few funerals. The last five years have been particularly cruel. That depression I felt? it began to feel normal. and that was the problem. because I got caught in rut. I withdrew even more. 

  Work however, had always been a source of pride for me. While my personal life had pretty much gone to shit, my work life was good, gotten a new job, was doing good at it. But the personal aspects started to bleed through. I was giving up on shit. I was gaining weight rapidly.Drinking lots and lots of takeaways. Now this job was quite physical and it was starting to be affected. I was also getting ill a lot. The depression was piling on. Then things started to come to ahead last year. 

  When I started the year off last year, I had made a list of personal goals. Quite a few of them. and I tried to do all of them. I pretty much failed at all of them. Which made me even more depressed. Things were started to get to me at work. come December 2018, I was ill as fuck. worse time I ever had illness. I spent most of Christmas in bed. My uncle was dying. I kept putting off seeing him, because I was mostly ill with viral shit, and I was worried about basically finishing the guy off. Then he died.

I started taking days off of work. I was doing shit at work. Honestly, with the way things had gone for me the previous six months, if they had turned round and sacked me, It wouldn't have surprised me. I was feeling really low about myself. I was at work and had an awaking. I went to my boss, explained how I felt, and that I was going to the doctors. I had a meeting and they prescribed me pills and two weeks off. 

  My immediate family. (Dad, Mum, Siblings) have never liked medication. in fact, my sister had nearly been killed a couple of times due to being allergic to local anaesthetic, and people using them on her. I have also been in and out of hospital so much as a kid. As a result, we tend to just struggle through being ill. using home cures and basic stuffs.

  I can't begin to describe how I began to feel as those pills started to kick in over the period of two weeks. Everything seemed more achievable and just generally not as bad. I was able to clearly think on shit. All I can say is, those pills really do make a difference. I was able to sort out my mind, and my thoughts and my head. and make some changes. Which brings us to now.